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Screw you, mod.
Just because you didn’t get it doesn’t mean it should’ve been deleted.
Gone figuratively fishin filibusts L. B. Potter, esq.
my friends asked me to play golf with them on saturday, i said sure but i might be 10 minutes late. Well i showed up on time, i played left-handed and beat them!. So my friends asked me to play again the following Saturday, i said sure but i might be 10 minutes late. I showed up on time again, i played right-handed and beat them again!
my friends got curious and said hey whats up with that? you always say your going to be 10 minutes late but you always show up on time? then when u do show up u play left-handed then u play right -handed and beat us??? Well i said, i am supersticious……if when i wake in the morning, my wife is sleeping on her left side, i play left-handed golf. If when i wake in the morning and my wife is sleeping on her right side, i play right-handed golf. My friends asked, well what if she is sleeping on her back? , well i said, thats when i’m 10 minutes late!
A Canadian visitor to Moscow during the height of the communist era decided to go for a walk.
He was walking down Leningradskiy Prospect when he spotted two Russian workers who were acting very strangely( at least to him!)
They were working on the sidewalk on the portals where trees could be planted. One man would dig a deep hole and then the second man would turn around and fill it back with the same material the first man had dug out.
This intrigued the Canadian who followed the two workers for about 30 minutes at which time his presence became a source of irritation/consternation to the two.
A Militija man came walking down the street and the two Russian reported the interested of the Westerner to him. As nobody could communicate the Militja man called for a translator.
When the ‘translator’ aka KGB officer, showed up he asked the Canadian what his interest in these two workers was.
The Canadian replied that he was watching the two men accomplish nothing as one man dug a hole only to have the second fill it straight away.
The ‘translator’ conferred with his two compatriots and let out a huge Russian laugh! He then explained the first comrade named Artur was to dig the hole and the second comrade named Piotr was to fill it in and tamp down the earth.
The Canadian asked why they did so as they seemingly accomplished nothing . This only produced another huge laugh and the ‘translator explained that there normally was a third member of the crew named Sasha and his job was to put the tree in the hole but he had gotten drunk the night before and failed to show up for work so Artur and Piotr just carried on in their designated functions regardless.
After that I understood why it never worked?
Moscow May 1982
…..My empire is crumbling, my international sponsors are deserting me, my authority is questioned, I am held in contempt wherever I go.
Who am I: Mohamar Ghadaffi or Gary Bettman.
A general noticed one of his soldiers behaving oddly. The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown and say: “That’s not it” and put it down again. This went on for some time, until the general arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested. The psychologist concluded that the soldier was deranged, and wrote out his discharge from the army.
The soldier picked it up, smiled and said: “That’s it.”
Two farmers are sitting in a bar. The first tells the other: “I’ve got a cow that can run at 60 KPH”. The second responds: “There’s absolutely no way cows can run that fast.” So they agree on a test. The following day, they get in a pick up and the first farmer gets his cow to start jogging down the road. They start the pickup and catch up to the cow doing 10KPH. The second farmer is mildly impressed but says: “you said 60KPH, not 10KPH”. The first farmer responds: “Hit the gas then.” So the second farmer stomps on the accelerator and passes the cow who falls behind a little but then slowly catches up behind them as they cross 40KPH. When they hit 50KPH, the cow, still behind them opens its mouth and starts sticking its tongue out repeatedly. “See,” says the second farmer “your cow is getting tired….although I’ll admit that 50KPH is impressive.”
To which the first farmer responds: “She’s not getting tired…she’s signalling to pass you.”
This is the story of Booster the Rooster:
One day, a farmer goes to his local COOP and tells the agronomist that his hens aren’t laying as many eggs as usual. “Simple, the agronomist says, your hens need to get some sex to get going again.” The farmer responds:”But I have lots of roosters.” “Sure you do,” says the agronomist, “but you have nothing like Booster the Rooster and he’s definitely what you need.”
So the farmer pays the high price for the special rooster and brings it to the farm where Booster proceeds to go to town on the hens. He’s doing hens left right and center. After a couple of days, the hens start laying like mad. And on goes Booster. Now after a week of this, the farmer is happy but getting worried about Booster’s health. He calls the COOP but the agronomist tells him everything will be OK.
The following day, the farmer wakes up and sees Booster’s inanimate carcass on the compost heap with vultures circling above. He picks up his cell phone as he goes out and calls the COOP. He yells in the phone: “See I told you, now Booster is dead.”
At which point, Booster raises his head ever so slightly, puts his wing to his beak to tell the farmer to be quiet and points to the vultures.
aw man, my jokes will get me ban’d
A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, “Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can’t figure out how to get started.”
Her boyfriend asks, “What is it supposed to be when it’s finished?”
The blonde says, “According to the picture on the box, it’s a rooster.”
Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.
She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.
He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says,
First of all, no matter what we do, we’re not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster.”
He takes her hand and says, “Second, I want you to relax. Let’s have a drink”, and then, he said with a deep sigh……….
“Let’s put all the Corn Flakes back in the box.”
Guy walks into his shrinks office and says “Doc you gotta help me all I can think about are lean-to’s and teepees.”
“Relax” says the shrink “Nothing to worry about about you’re just two tents.”
Esophagographer? Hardly even knew ‘er.
Here’s something to get excited about. I’d love to see it happen.
At first look this may seem like a good deal for the Habs,but I think the oppposite may be true. Semin will be UFA after this year and Alzner is not sgned and is not guaranteed to sign the \Habs trade for him. PLus first round picks are golden and should not be traded unless for a sure-fire long term stud. Split it up: would you trade Weber and AK for Semin? Yes. Then you are trading a first for Alzner. Bad. This is an intriguing proposition but I’m not sure this is a slam-dunk for the Habs. Semin will be offered a boat-load of dough next year frm the KHL, if he bolts the we are left with maybe Alzner, if he signs a long-term deal, no Weber, no AK and no first rnd pick. Doesn’t look so appealing now, agree?
A man rushes into his psychiatrist’s office and says doc you have to help me I think I’m turning into a dog.
Shrink says OK just get on the couch and we’ll talk it out.
Man says, no I’m not allowed on the couch.
Say what you will about Catholic priests but at least they drive slowly around schools and playgrounds.
So I’m flying out of Phoenix today. Vulture boards the plane with with a dead coyote. Flight attendant says hey you can’t bring that dead coyote on the plane. Vulture says but it’s carrion.
One time there was this old man sitting in his rocking chair on the porch, when he saw a kid walking down the road carrying a ragged, wadded up bunch of rusty wire in his hand. “Hey kid!” says the old man. “What are you doing with that wire?” The kid said, “This isn’t just any wire, this wire is special. This is chicken wire, and I’m going to catch some chickens with it.” The old man said, “You can’t fool me, you can`t catch chickens with that itty bitty piece of chicken wire.” The kid replied, “You watch.” and continues down the road. Later on, the old man sees the kid walking up the road and he’s carrying some chickens with him.
The old man sitting on his porch again the next day, and he sees the kid coming down the road again. This time he sees that he’s carrying a roll of tape. Curious, he asked the kid about the tape. The kid replied, “This isn’t just any tape, this tape is special. This is duct tape, and I’m going to catch some ducks with it.” Again, the old man told the kid that he couldn’t fool him with that nonsense. The kid replied, “You watch.” Later on, he sees the kid walking up the road leading some ducks with string tied around their necks.
On the third day, the old man was sitting on his porch when he saw the kid coming down the road carrying a stick. When the old man inquired about the stick the kid replied, “This isn’t just any stick, this stick is special. This is a p*ssy willow stick.”
The old man suddenly jumps up out of the rocker and says, “Wait just a second sonny, Lemme get my hat!”
Guy bumps into his friend Reggie at the track.
“Oh, my name ain’t Reggie anymore; it’s Lucky.”
“You don’t say? How come?”
“Well, walked out into the street pizz-drunk the other night and a car done gone miss me by inches. Now, I’m Lucky.”
So they bet on a horse and parted ways and a few weeks later, buddy bumps into Lucky again.
“Hey, Lucky, how’s tricks?”
“Oh, my name ain’t Lucky no more; it’s Lucky-Lucky.”
“Oh yeah? How’s that?”
“I lost my house key on the bus and I woulda had to stay at the Y until the super came into town but I met my friend Joe there and he had found my key on the bus later on that day. Now, I’m Lucky-Lucky.”
So they play a game of bocce and part ways, until, of course, they happen to meet again a while later.
“Lucky-Lucky! How you be doin?”
“Oh, my name ain’t Lucky-Lucky now; it’s Lucky-Lucky-Lucky.”
“What the hell is it now, for cryin out loud?”
“Well, I was at my lady friend’s place the other day and we was gettin romantic if you take my meaning, when all of a sudden, her husband shows up and shoots me in my azz!”
“Well…hold on now, that doesn’t seem very lucky at ALL, if you ask me.”
“Hell it was! If he’d shown up a minute earlier, I’da been shot in the head!”
Sorry. Quintuple post.
AH JOSH LOOKS LIKE THE EXORCIST SIGN HIM ALLREADY!
Two married men just finshed shopping for their wives, the first man asks the other man, what did you get your wife? He replies a beautiful diamond ring and a new mercedes, well why did you get her those? He replies, if she doesnt like her new ring, she can get into her mercedes and drive back to the jewelry store and exchange it. What did you get your wife? He replies flip flops and a dildo, why did you get her that for? Well if she doesnt like the flipflops she can go fcuk herself!
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn’t seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other man pulls out his cell phone and calls emergency services.
He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?” The operator in a calm, soothing voice replies: “Take it easy. I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.” There is a silence, then a shot is heard.
Back on the phone, the hunter says, “OK, now what?”
That is so funny MAN! I cant stop laughing!
I would imagine Gorges would be just as good, or better! Then he was previously.
Follow me on twitter – https://twitter.com/#!/IceyMCMatt -
A Canadian man said to wife “Alright you sexy thing, upstairs, now”
She looked at him and said “Ooh, you horny bastard”
He replied: “No, seriously, hockey is starting, now buzz off’!
Chuckling, just hope you haven’t offended every married person on this web page now!
Actually, I think the married men are bound to be the least offended. Married ladies, on the other hand….
My girlfriend of ten years loved it, cause she can relate…….
Guy stuck on a deserted island finds the magic lamp, rubs it, out with the genie. Genie says “listen, you can forget all that three-wish bullspit, I’ma hand you ONE and you’ll count yourself lucky.”
Stranded guy says “all I NEED is one, baby! It ain’t complicated, I want you to build me a bridge from here to Florida.”
“A bridge to Florida?!? Are you nuts? Do you have any idea of the LOGISTICS involved with that? Like what, pillars in the sea, suspended; are you completely mad? Ok, look, I’m a nice guy, ok? But what you ask is next to impossible so I’ma cut you some slack and let you wish for something else instead.”
Buddy says “ok, I want a WOMAN. The most beautiful woman EVER, who wants to have sex 5 times a day every day and who’ll keep her looks and figure forever, who’ll cook and clean and take care of my every waking whim and most importantly, who will shut the hell up when I tell her to.”
Genie looks at the guy…”so, this bridge of yours, one lane or two?”
You told it wrong.
It goes like this.
After the genie says “A bridge to Florida?!? Are you nuts?” the man says OK then, I want the Toronto Maple Leafs to win the Stanley Cup.
Then the genie says ”so, this bridge of yours, one lane or two?”
Nice to see the National League winning in the all star game, just wish I saw an Expo uniform out there.
Edit: Of course the joke in this game is Bud Selig thinks it is fair to give out home field advantage for the world series based on results of an all star game.
Major League Blague
A very prestigious cardiologist died, and was given a very elaborate
funeral by the hospital he worked for most of his life…. A huge
heart… covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service
as all the doctors from the hospital sat in awe. Following the eulogy,
the heart opened, and the casket was rolled inside.The heart then
closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.
At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes
stared at him, he said, ‘I am so sorry, I was just thinking of my own
funeral…. I’m a gynecologist.’
The proctologist fainted.
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult 4 hour surgical procedure.
A young student nurse arrives to give him a partial sponge bath.
“Nurse” he mumbles from behind the mask
“Are my testicles black?”
Embarrassed, the nurse replies “I don’t know sir, I’m only here to wash your upper body.”
He struggles to ask again, “Nurse, are my testicles black?”
Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers.
She raises his gown, holds them and inspects them, lifting and moving them around gently, then takes a close look and says “No sir, they aren’t and I assure you there is nothing wrong with them.”
The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, “Thank you very much, that was wonderful, but listen….”
We have our winner.
A priest decides to sneak out, after the Sunday morning sermon, for a game of golf.
Watching from the Gates of Heaven, Peter is furious to see a priest golfing on a Sunday. “Lord, you better come see this!”
God comes over to have a look. “Hmmmm,” he says.
On the next hole, a par 4, the priest tees off. The ball flies through the air and carries all the way to the green. It bounces onto the green and rolls into the hole. A hole in one on a par 4!
“Why’d you let him do that?!,” Peter asks the almighty.
God smiles and says, “Who can he tell?”
Eyes on The Prize! and on Twitter
A priest, a rabbi and an atheist walk into a bar. The barkeep says, “Is this some kind of joke?”
-edit- sorry Bugs- didn’t see yours below-
A drunk newfoundlander was stumbling home one day when he got lost and found himself in the bush. He fell to the ground and noticed a lamp. He picked it up, and rubbed it, and out came a genie.
“You have three wishes, choose them wisely.” says the Genie.
Looking down at his last, and empty, bottle of beer, smashes it on some rocks and says, “I want a beer that will never run out.”
A bottle appears in front of him. He takes it, looks at it, and downs it. He looks at it again, and to his surprise, it was still full. The newfie being very content starts walking away.
“Where are you going,” asks the Genie, “You still have two wishes left!”
“Well,” he replies, “Give me TWO more of these!”
so a man and his wife are at a marriage counsellor and the wife says: “My husband suffers from premature ejaculation”
the counsellor asks the man: “Is this true?”
The man replies: “Not exactly, it’s my wife who suffers not me”
The 2010-11 Stanley Cup was not won, but given
A Russian, an American and a Newfie are at a bar talking about space conquest. The Russian explains that their contribution has been the greatest since they were the first in space…at which point both the American and Newfie start laughing. Then the American says that THEY are the greatest since they were the first on the Moon…at which point, the Newfie keeps on laughing. The others turn to him and ask him why he’s laughing so much when Newfies haven’t had any impact in space.
“Ah” says the Newfie “not yet but you see we’ll be the first to land on the Sun, which will make our contribution the greatest of all.” So the others laugh and say “how can you land on the Sun….you’ll just burn up”
The Newfie snorts and says:”Of course not you morons, we’ll be going at night.”
Being from Newfoundland, I absolutely love newfie jokes.
Offended by the jokes about Newfoundlanders ! I thought this site monitored offensive comments . I do have a sense of humour but this is not funny. You people before you say lighten up think about it if you were the brunt of the attempted humour!
I’m a francophone and someone suggested jokingly I should be shot so lighten up Francis….i’ve known lots of Newfoundlanders and they take jokes better than you.
Thumb is up there Captain my Captain.
I absolutely love being portrayed as an idiot.
Show a little respect. One can be funny without putting people down.
So, Ryan Dunn walks into a bar….
Guy walks into his doctor’s office and explains his various ailments. After thinkin’ things over, the doctor turns to him and says, “You’re goin’ to have to quit pleasurin’ yourself.”
“Why?”, the guy asks.
The doctor responds, “Cause you’re in my office.”
An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.
A cop pulls him over.
“So,” says the cop to the driver, where have ya been?”
“Why, I’ve been to the pub of course, slurs the drunk.
“Well,” says the cop, “it looks like you’ve had quite a
few to drink this evening.”
“I did all right,” the drunk says with a smile.
“Did you know,” says the cop, standing straight and folding his
arms across his chest, “that a
few intersections back, your wife fell
out of your car?”
“Oh, thank heavens,” sighs the drunk. “For a minute there,
I thought I’d gone deaf.”
“Time wounds all heels”. – J.L.
A skeleton walks into a bar. Bartender say “waddya Have?”
Skeleton says, ” get me a pint of beer and a mop.”
“When I was a baby I wish my first word had been “QUOTE”, then right before I die I could say “UNQUOTE” – Stephen Wright
Chuck beat you to it…
Oh, we’re bored!
“Waiting For Gorges” sounds like something I can expect to see in theaters this summer.
Yes we are.
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